These Metaphors

You breath insanity like
Aryan deli shedding skin.
Like a post-apocalyptic
Renaissance man.
Our lives are but the
intertwined swirls of
cigarette smoke,
The dark narratives in
the models' dressing room.

Walk with those alabaster
legs, string those Mexican beads.
Die in sepia illusions, this
five-dollar sunset is mocking us.
Momentum transfer is
not real until you crash your car,
Much like how infatuation engulfs
the mind in a bulimist sense.

These metaphors exhaust me, these
endless references to crevices and shadows.
To the selfish search for no self,
As the solitary bell and futile
bamboos crave for abstractions.
A wall alienates me from the
city, that beautiful filth.
With a thousand mothers weeping
for their youth.

Look through these nihilistic pair
of glasses, they are life-changing.
Genius always springs in the past
like the purism of a coconut.
The night is spasmic like
a seaweed farmer's nightmares.
In the delta where sensation
struggles as a monist pursuit.

Order and Disorder

I’ve noticed that lately, I’ve been having a peculiar fascination with the second law of thermodynamics. I’ve written about it in my previous blog posts and I often mention it during casual conversations with friends. I am perturbed by the fact that the universe is continuously moving towards a state of greater disorder. It is disconcerting to me that the same transformations that make our universe so beautiful and amazing are resulting to the accumulation of waste and heat that will eventually lead to its death.

I wrote in my last post that maybe the root of the second law of thermodynamics is the creation of deterministic reality out of a quantum nature of existence. What this means consequently is that every effort to control leads to waste and death and so to eliminate waste and death, we must absolutely give up control and embrace uncertainty.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this premise and as of late, it has not yet made any meaningful human sense to me. I must admit that in life as we know it, control is inevitable and necessary. And actually, we often control things to give our lives some structure and some order, to feel a sense of direction towards a certain purpose or meaning. We examine ourselves to figure out what we want and value in our lives, and we operate against these values and passions. Without control, the world will be chaotic and destructive, or at least that is the conventional way of thinking about it.

So maybe not all forces of control are bad. I think the practical way of thinking about this premise is that it is when we try to control and transform something into something else that is against its fundamental truth that the act of control becomes a creator of waste and death.

I believe that everything that exists and every human being has a fundamental truth in its core. You can call it different names – destiny, fate, divine will, calling, passion, the theory of everything – but I have always believed that we were born with something inside us that moves us to a certain destination that is not of our own choosing. It is a complete waste of life for us to go against this force that is much bigger than ourselves. Or at least this is what I believe right now, as I am a self-declared postmodernist.

Going back to the second law of thermodynamics, why is it then that the universe is continuously moving towards a state of greater disorder? Is the universe transforming itself into something that is against its fundamental truth? If so, then maybe the universe as we know it is just a beautiful mistake.

I would need more time to give this a little more thought to come up with something that is more coherent and makes more sense. It is always fun to think of complex questions without any expectation of resolution. It makes me wonder why as the collective human mind expands with more knowledge and more creativity, the more complex and incomprehensible things become.

Perhaps that is how everything in the universe is supposed to be. Maybe the continuous move towards greater chaos, disorder, and complexity is the single fundamental truth.

No Promises

It's been quite a while since I abandoned this blog and I have almost forgotten how much I enjoyed writing my posts here.  Now that I reflect on why I stopped writing in the first place, I try not to be too hard on myself for failing to sustainably deliver against my commitment of at least four posts per week.  And I laugh quietly at how much the previous sentence sounds like corporate jargon.

But seriously, now that I look back on why I decided to take a break from blogging, I think of a few other times in my life when I went through a phase of being extremely obsessed about something or someone and then eventually walking away after the passion has been replaced with exhaustion and then repulsion.  My past obsessions would still often haunt me but I am never quite able to go back to how things were before.  And so I start to think, is there one single thing in this life that is not ephemeral?  Is it ever possible to find and hold on to an unadulterated piece of truth or a genuinely liberating sense of fearlessness and certainty?

While pondering about this, a realization suddenly came to me the way a ball of crumpled paper unravels into a sheet.  Maybe it is often our desire to take control of our lives to turn uncertainties into certainties, and expectations into realities, that drive us towards feeling empty and burnt out.

To visualize this point, I play around with the idea that maybe the second law of thermodynamics has a quantum origin.  When we want to turn uncertainties into certainties, we design our actions coservatively, and make allowances and buffers and use safety factors which eventually end up as waste.  Maybe it's the same way with the universe as we know it, which struggles endlessly to make deterministic reality out of a quantum nature of existence.  In the process, the universe expends energy that becomes wasted heat.  Simple logic tells us that the universe will eventually suffer a heat death because of the second law of thermodynamics.

So now as I try to give blogging a second chance or to give myself a second chance at blogging, I do so with no promises and no expectations.  As writing is supposed to be my vortex to a place of freedom, I choose to embrace uncertainty in all its fullness, to see transience as a thing of beauty.

Perhaps uncertainty is the only fundamental truth and the only one worth holding on to.

Comfashion

This is an experimental poem that I wrote hastily and impulsively.


Comfashion
I like frankensteizing words – comfashion
Fashion as a substitute for compassion
Always showing up in style in case your misery
Or someone else’s gets
Made into a movie
Computer fashion
Dressing up a computer or letting a
Computer dress you up
This is not make believe
Compulsion for fashion
Spending your Mrs. Harris for a scarf
Compound fashion
Layering, accessorizing, day after day
Exponential
Complex fashion, getting over the top
Like you know who
Competitive fashion, and so on

I can think of two other words
From other poems
Profoundnity and sirquit

But there is no cure for comfashion,
The confetti of pony shoes, all sorts of heels and
Platforms, oxfords, and whatever avant
Garde
You can think of

There is no cure for comfashion
Draperies, plastic dresses
Deconstructions
Locations, locations, locations
The loquacious
Falling in love with smells of
Luxe fabrics and
Exotic leathers

Raisins and smoke before
You work it like
Megalomania is not a
Disease
If you fall, the better
Peak at 16, retire by
21

There is no cure for comfashion
Not the third
World
Not laws

There is a cure for comfashion
Fashion with no compassion
Is the cure for comfashion

Isang Tulang Tagalog

I wrote this Tagalog poem for my friend Jom who reads my blog but says he does not appreciate English poems.

Jom, dedikeyted ito sayo at sa alaala ng hapong iyon sa UP track oval kung saan gumawa tayo ng tula tungkol sa gamu-gamo habang nakaupo sa ilalim ng isang puno at pinapanood ang pagdadapithapon.

Sila

Naglakad kang paika-ika pasilangan kung saan ang mga
Tula’y alikabok na nilalanghap, hindi binabasa.
Halika, sabi mo, maupo tayo sa sahig at sumandal sa
Dingding na singgaspang ng mortal na alapaap na
Kung kalian nagkaugat ay saka pa lilisan.
Sabay kong naririnig ang lektyur tungkol sa rabies at ang
Pagtugtog mo ng gitara, ang iyong mediocre na
Pagkanta, ang mga halakhak, ang kaba at iba pang
Nanigas na alaala. Nagka déjà vu ako sa isang picture message
Sa 3310 na ipinakita sa akin ng isang katulad mo rin.
Nagkarebelasyon ng mutualism noong nagkatitigan tayo
Habang ako ay kasama sa prusisyon at ikaw naman
Ay masayang naglalaro ng basketbol.

Nakabibingi ang tawa mo nang ako’y masita ng isang
Manong sa Gensan dahil pinakialaman ko ang
Nahuli niyang tuna. Marahil sadya akong curious at ikaw
Man ay naging inkwisitib din nang makita mo ang
Bibig ng dambuhalang isda. Panay tungkol sa durian ang
Mga usapan natin noon, lalo na kung nandiyan sila,
Ang lupon ng sensurang nagluwal sa ating pagkamakata.

Banal na araw ang linggo kung kaya’t ito ang napili mong
Sermonan ng mga idyom na walang kahulugan.
Napaisip ako noon, nagdaan sa maraming decision blocks,
Hanggang mala-Cinderella na tayong tumatakbo pababa ng
Hagdanan, hinahanap ang pinto ng pagtakas.
Sigurado akong bawat burgis na napunta roon mula noon ay
Nagigising sa gitna ng gabi sa nagsusumigaw na multo
Ng kasaysayang iniwan natin sa bawat sulok at bawat hibla,
Sa bawat buhay na hindi nabubunyag, sa bawat
Pira-pirasong pagdadakila. Nahabol mo ako at nahabol
Din kita.

Akin yun, at sinadya kong magtapon ng mitsang
Sasakal sa iyong pagka-bathala. Sumunod siya, sumunod
Sila, mga guhit ng tisa sa pader na naghihiwalay sa
Dalawang uri ng paghinga. Gayundin and mga tanong at
Gayundin ang mga kasinungalingang naghihintay sa pagdaan
Ng mga sandaling umaalon at lumalamon.
Ikaw marahil ay isinumpang maging solitaryo.

Walang bersong aangkop sa tunaw na pag-alala.

Ngunit naglakad ka nang pasayaw, pasilangan, paroon at parito,
Na waring may mahahanap na pagkaluwalhati sa mga
Metro kwadradong ito. Ang mga mata mong bagong buwang
Humihigop sa pait ng mga talatang isinulat sa dugo.
Ikaw na gumising ng alas-singko ng umaga upang lumikha ng
Dibuhong pang farewell pala. Anong makikita sa labas ng
Kwadrong nakadapa at sa aklat ng pilosopiya?

Humihinga pa rin sila.





Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing. - Sylvia Plath

On Parallel Universes

The general hypothesis of the existence of a multiverse (or parallel universes) is something that is interpreted in many different ways in physics, psychology, religion, philosophy, literature, and art. But for this post, I’d like to look at this theory as something that posits the existence of ALL possible universes, and explore the implications of this supposition.

1. If we suppose that ALL possible universes exist, then one of the first things that probably comes to mind is that there are just too many, almost infinitely many, possibilities. Let us first postulate that a universe is composed of discreet units of matter, time, space, and energy (a word I will use to encompass all other “units of existence”). And then let’s try to enumerate all of the different parameters that will define the states of each discreet unit – position, momentum, spin, existence or non existence, etc. When you think of all the possible combinations and permutations of all discreet units, each with a defined state, the possibilities are practically endless. You can also think of possibilities in terms of abstractions like selves, lives, dreams, etc. Many people think of the idea of endless possibilities as something that is wonderful and inspiring but in this case, I think the idea of endless possibilities implies something disheartening. To me, the implication that stands out is that in one parallel universe, everything is the same except that in a faraway galaxy, two particles have switched positions or spins, without having any impact on our life on earth. And there are lots and lots, almost infinitely many, parallel universes where everything about us, our lives, and our experiences are the same. And so all these universes exist in parallel that if, for some reason, one of these universes (ours, or the universe we are conscious of, for example) ceases to exist, it wouldn’t matter the tiniest bit because there exists almost infinitely many “copies” of practically the same universe anyway. Now it is difficult enough to find value, purpose, and meaning in our lives that seems so insignificant in terms of the grander scheme of things (Thanks to my friend Billy for sharing the illustration of us being an extremely small speck of dust in the history of the (our) universe.). And this implication of the theory of the existence of parallel universes further compounds this feeling of despair.

2. Now let us explore another side of this hypothesis of parallel universes. Out of ALL possible universes, a set of infinitely many (I use “infinitely many” to mean extremely many which could be either finite or infinite, depending on whether you assume existence to be in discreet units or in continuous bands or loops) universes would inevitably have physical laws that are different from ours. And there is a set of infinitely many sets of infinitely many universes, all with different sets of physical laws. Thus, in some universes, we (or “selves” or entities which we can assume to be the same as or similar to us) are immortal, or can fly, or can easily teleport, or can be in multiple places at the same time, or have minds with an unlimited capability to comprehend. And in some universes, we are simply a bunch of separate particles or streams of light (or some other types of discreet units or continuous bands or loops), unable to interact and form complex units. So I guess this implication elicits a “limbo” feeling. We might feel frustrated that we do not exist in a universe where we are more powerful but at the same time we might feel fortunate to have existed in a universe where, at the very least, the particular set of physical laws favoured the existence of human life.

3. Let us expand this further and think beyond universes that follow different sets of physical laws. Let us think of the existence of universes that follow different models of existence, different from any conceivable human mathematical or philosophical model, outside the bounds of human understanding.

4. What if instead of the multiple universes existing in parallel, different universes actually intersect at certain points? What if the second law of thermodynamics is actually brought about by the constant, infinitely many, intersections in the multiverse which somehow creates some kind of disturbance in the general balance in each universe? If this is so, is it possible that the second law of thermodynamics is a truly “universal” (for lack of a better word) law, which applies to ALL possible universes? What are the other possible “universal” laws? What if certain human experiences (distinct, special, ordinary, remembered, forgotten, or unperceived) are caused by these intersections among universes? What if euphoria, déjà vu, death, the afterlife, human emotions (love, despair, anger, etc.), memory, and other elements of humanity are caused by this intersections and interactions of universes? And if so, is it possible that a certain version of “the human condition” exists in every possible universe, or is this just conceited humanist thinking?

5. What if instead of infinitely many parallel or intersecting universes existing equally, there is a “master universe” (our universe or the universe we are conscious of, for example) that selects elements, among the infinitely many universes, which get manifested in the “master universe,” which exists in a higher level or degree of existence? What if there are several (or infinitely many) layers in the hierarchy of “master universes” and our universe is the “ultimate master universe” at the top of this hierarchy? What if this “ultimate master universe” is not our universe but the heaven, nirvana, paradise, or the ultimate state of existence described by many religions, and so the journey towards this ultimate state of existence is actually a journey of a series of cross-overs from one layer in the “master universe” hierarchy to the next? What if this “master universe” hierarchy or the “ultimate master universe” itself is the “deity of existence” that chooses what exists or not? What law or model governs this “choice?” What is true existence?

6. What if all of these multiple universes simply exist in the human mind or in human consciousness such that in each human mind lives a unique set of infinitely many universes. (It is impossible to experimentally compare perceptions, like whether one person sees the same color yellow as another. It is possible that the perception-object correspondence simply matched.) What if there is a “master mind” or a “mega mind?”

Writing this blog post has been a very exciting mental exercise for me. As I write this paragraph, I am experiencing some kind of “good headache,” similar to the “tired but invigorated” feeling you have after a good workout.

Let me close by saying that I just love this constant struggle of making sense of the world, our lives, and existence in general. I admire people who have pursued this struggle to the point of “madness,” coming up with theories that are way beyond the capabilities of scientific experimentation. I love how the human mind has reached realms outside the boundaries of human strength and perception. I love how the human mind is capable of acknowledging its own limitations because this recognition creates a frustration that drives the human mind to push itself further.

I guess this struggle for meaning is a self-fulfilling end in itself. It is both the path and the destination. The struggle for meaning is not a quest for the truth, but the struggle itself is the truth.





*The image above is a photo of Moral Faculty, a drawing I worked on while reviewing for the board exams.

The Hero-Victim Complex

While watching The Dark Knight Rises with some friends, I started playing with the idea of the hero-victim complex in my head. This is something that probably rings a bell since everyone is familiar with the idea of the protagonist in movies and novels; a character who faces insurmountable challenges, only to emerge as the ultimate victor in the end. But I’d like to think that the idea of the hero-victim complex is quite different compared to this well-known idea of the protagonist who overcomes adversities. The hero-victim complex is something that lives in the psyche and the metaphysics of a hero (superhero, revolutionary hero, modern day hero, unsung hero, microhero, etc.), and which heavily influences how heroism is manifested in the social, historical, and philosophical context, and which greatly affects how the hero and his or her heroism is perceived. The hero-victim complex also lives in the collective psyche – society, culture, art, religion, institutions, etc.

I myself find it challenging to structuralize and articulate this idea and so by writing this blog post, I hope to achieve some clarity myself. To start, I’d like to look at the characters of the hero and the victim separately. The hero is empowered and independent. The hero creates things, makes decisions, and takes action to initiate radical change, often for the better. The victim, on the other hand, is powerless and is a captive unable to escape. The victim is created, molded, and changed without any choice of what it is to become.

Now, the previous paragraph is easy to understand because the human mind is structured to think in terms of binary opposites – light and dark, good and evil, hero and victim, etc. But I’d like to think of the hero-victim complex as something singular like a magnetic monopole. I’d like to avoid using terminologies like sides, components, elements, etc. because these would imply the hero and the victim as separate. And I’d also like to do away with the bias of the hero-victim complex being an affliction of heroes (the hero taking precedence over the victim), and so from this point on I’d use hero-victim as a label instead of hero or victim separately or preferentially. Instead, I’d like to think of the hero-victim complex as a moving, two-directional cycle.

First, I’d like to think of the hero-victim as a living person (postmodernism aside). The hero-victim is born into a family, into a society, into conditions that are imposed (by nature, by social status, by geography, by family and social values, and other condition creators) and these conditions literally create, shape, and continuously change the hero-victim. At the same time, the hero-victim practices the capability of choice and action so at the same time that the hero-victim is created, shaped, and changed, the hero-victim also creates, shapes, and changes its reality or its “world.” But these capabilities of choice and action are likewise constantly created, re-created, shaped, and changed by the hero-victim’s world. But the conditions to which the hero-victim is born into are also creations of the hero-victim’s consciousness, changed and adjusted as it sees fit. And so it is not really the hero victim and its “world” changing each other from opposite sides. The hero-victim is its world (its reality) and the hero-victim’s world is the hero-victim. They are one and the same, and nothing takes precedence over the other. And so the hero and the victim are neither complementary nor independent nor are they two sides of something dual. The hero-victim complex is indeed singular.

Now if I think of the hero-victim as a character in general (in history, in fiction, in social aspirations, etc.), it is easy to see the hero-victim as a projection of its meta-reality and the meta-reality as an extension of the hero-victim, and the hero-victim and its meta-reality being one and the same.

I’m not sure if what I have written makes any sense but writing this blog post has been a pleasure nonetheless. I will close with some of my random thoughts about The Dark Knight Rises:

1. I like the way they used androgyny to create an unexpected twist at the end.

2. I found it ironic that the Catwoman is supposed to be an icon of women empowerment but in the film, her waist looked like it’s been bound by a corset.

3. I just had this thought that maybe civilizations follow something like the second law of thermodynamics, that as a civilization progresses it also becomes more chaotic and anarchic until it collapses – similar to the eventual heat death of the universe.

4. Marion Cotillard’s acting really stood out. I especially liked the death scene where she looked like she was doing a modelesque pose.

5. One of my favorite lines from the film: “There’s a vertebra protruding from your back. We have to put it back.”